I have some grievances to air
Happy Festivus! Sit down and be held accountable
It’s Festivus season and I’ve got some Grievances to Air!
1. Why are electric toothbrush heads so expensive? They’re $6-8 per head and you can only buy them in packs of 3 or more. I only have one mouth. What are these things made of? Razor blades?
2. I was duped by the clearly not so good people of Wiarton. I watched the Groundhog Day festival this past February (by which I mean I probably could have watched it if I could be bothered) as a video of Willie checking for his shadow was aired. We were told it was all a COVID-19 safety precaution. We learned this week that it was all a scam. A conspiracy. Willie was dead at the time. He’ been dead ever since. The Wiarton Town Council conspired to hide the truth this whole time. If I didn’t know better, I’d have to suspect the whole Groundhog Day thing is just a ruse to get us to talk about Wiarton!
3. Why do gas pumps at my local Costco not let me fill my tank? Some of the pumps stop pumping every 3-4 litres because the safety shut-off sensor thingy (apologies for the technical terminology) that’s supposed to stop spills – keeps safely shutting-off. But my car takes more than 3-4 litres. In fact it takes many more litres than that. So, the pump stops many times. Eventually, I’m not sure if the pump is right and my tank is almost full – or I’m right and it’s not even close. And everyone is watching me, like I’m the idiot. Fix the damned pumps already!
4. I’m sick and tired of the phrase “Abundance of caution” from politicians and public health leaders. Their “caution” is killing me. It’s costing me money, it’s keeping me down, it’s raising my anxiety, it’s ruining my life. What their “abundance of caution” really means is they’re focused exclusively on one risk – a virus. That’s just one of the millions of risks we each face every day – each of which can kill us. No, I’m not a doctor or epidemiologist. But, I am an expert crisis manager who’s managed crises around the world ranging from wildfires in minefields, to armed stand-offs, hostage-takings and damaged reputations. I’ve even made money developing pandemic management plans for multi-national corporations after SARS created panic in 2003. I learned that ignoring all other risks while focusing on just one is a recipe for death and disaster. And, the fact is, I are far more likely to die of poverty because of the lockdown than I was ever at risk from the virus. Stop killing me with your caution!
5. Ditto for the phrase “We’re all in this together” when it comes to the COVID-19 pandemic and the restrictions and lockdowns imposed because of it. Even if the lockdowns were necessary (and they were very briefly, very early) we were never in this together. I lost almost two year’s wages. No politician, no public health official, no doctor, no one who ever said “we’re all in this together” lost a dime. We were never in this together. We never will be.
6. I’m tired of people who think David Suzuki is a scientist. He’s a TV performer. With a PhD in zoology. I’m sure he knows how to take a monkey’s temperature with a rectal thermometer. Now he wants to blow up oil pipelines. Great work if you can get it, I suppose.
7. There’s a movie in theatres called 13 Minutes about people who have just 13 minutes to seek shelter before a tornado hits. The movie is 1 hr and 50 min long! Just show me the tornado.
8. I think I speak for everyone who eats in restaurants and to everyone who works in them when I say: For crying out loud – Everyone needs the damned machine! Just bring it. Stop asking.
9. Every year they add new words to the dictionary, but the book doesn’t get bigger. So clearly, they’re sneaking old words out the back pages. What are these words they’re stealing? Where do they go? Who decides? What if I still want to use one???
10. Why do they come out with new styles of men’s underwear? I don’t want new styles. I found one style I like and I want to keep wearing it for the rest of my life. But, they stopped making it after one season and the new styles suck. Frankly, when it comes to sucking in that general area, I don’t want my underwear to be involved. Bring back my Adidas boxer summer briefs from 2018!
11. Why can’t the same company make more than one pair of pants that fits the same? Why do I have to try on every pair? Why can’t a 36 in one colour or style be the same as a 36 in another colour or style from the same company? Why can’t a 36 always be a 36? A 34 a 34? Ditto for shoes.
12. Ditto for belts. Why can’t a 36-inch belt be 36 inches long? Or, at least fit a 36-inch waist? Why do I have to try on belts?
13. I’m sick of governments committed to ideologies rather than doing the little things that would make our lives easier. Stop telling us what you think we should want. Start listening to what we do want. Then do it.
14. I’m tired of every radio and TV newscast beginning with the performative recitation of COVID-19 numbers on every news cast as if they’re meaningful or newsworthy. They’re not. Nobody is scribbling down those numbers like they’re the days lotto winners. Nobody needs to know how many people have had COVID-19 and how many people have recovered. We’re not doing the math. If you think it’s important, do the math in the newsroom – then tell me how many people still have COVID-19. If you must. More importantly, tell me how much capacity we have left in our ICUs and what the government is doing to increase that number so we don’t have to shut down hospitals again.
15. Canada sent 277 delegates, 1 Prime Minister, 30 Environment Canada staff, 17 press aides, a videographer, a speechwriter, four CBC reporters and one Catherine McKenna (God knows why – she isn’t even an MP anymore, just an over-privileged private citizen with friends in the Prime Minister’s Office) to Scotland. For the COP26 climate conference. From which they then admonished us to stop flying in jet planes, burning jet fuel. They also want us to stop heating our homes in the winter and eating food we didn’t grow ourselves in our backyards and balconies during Canada’s 27-minute growing season. This, in a world where ten times more people die every year from cold than from heat.
16. After seven years of campaigning on climate change and winning elections on promises to raise carbon taxes, the Trudeau government spent zero days preparing for floods or fires – even after fire destroyed Fort McMurray and floods routinely destroy communities across the country. Not a single day.
17. I’m tired of people complaining on social media that Trudeau’s climate action plan might raise the cost of living. This is not a “might” situation. Of course the climate plan will raise the cost of living – because that’s the plan! The plan is to raise the cost of living so you buy fewer carbony things. That’s not an “undesirable consequence” of the plan. That. Is. The. Plan.
18. I’m tired of Andrea Horwath and other Ontario politicians moaning that COVID-19 testing in pharmacies might expose me to sick people in pharmacies. Who does she think goes to the pharmacy? Everyone in the pharmacy is sick! That’s why we go there. The only healthy people in the pharmacy are the asymptomatic people lining up for a job or school-related COVID-19 test. It’s about time they were sick like the rest of us.
19. I’m tired of headlines and politicians outraged about “senseless killings.” Just once, I want them to be honest and say, “Well… actually, this one makes sense. We all saw it coming.”
20. Every politician, of every political stripe, in every Canadian city agrees the two most pressing issues are affordability and traffic congestion. Yet, every decision they make increases the cost of housing and increases congestion on their streets. Here’s a thought: the first step to improving affordability and reducing congestion is to stop doing things that increase the cost of living and increase congestion in your city.
What grievances would you like to air?
A good start Mark, but you know that you just scratched the surface here.
Here are several more for your consideration:
1. Instead of everyone looking at Mark like he's an idiot, why won't someone help coach him at the Costco gas pump? Mark, if everyone is watching you like you're an idiot, you might very well be one.
2. I couldn't agree more with Mark's #5 grievance - that the phrase 'We're in this together' with respect to Covid is irritating and a fairy tale. I can't go to Shoppers Drug Mart without hearing it at least once and when I do, I want to throw all the potato chips on the floor and yell 'scramble'.
3. I'm not here to argue with you about your grievance about pants and belts, but while we're on that topic, can we stop calling one pant a pair of pants. And don't tell me it's because there are two legs because I have two sleeves in my t-shirt and I don't call it a pair of t-shirts.
4. China: Why can't we be less like China and stop treating minorities, especially indigenous people like crap? Pay out the lawsuit and fire the lawyers.
5. China-2: Why can't we be more like China and acknowledge that too many parents are lazy and stupid and can't limit their kids time on useless social media and games.
6. Isn't it time to consolidate the public and separate school boards? If education is about the kids, the savings could be redirected into things to enhance the quality of the education. Best practices (assuming the public board has any) would cut right across all kids. And isn't separating people into groups based on religion less than a winning strategy?
7. We could fill a book of grievances when it comes to Toronto city councillors/mayor. Why can't they speak the truth and start every announcement, speech, update, communication with, 'Because we are hypocritical, politically correct donkeys...' Mark's got much of this nailed down nicely but could we add (a) if they really cared about cyclists, why wouldn't they whine out loud about the province needing to make it mandatory for all cyclists to wear helmets and have lights (if riding at night). And isn't Bicycle Brad and his friends complicit in this disregard for cyclist's safety by increasing access to share bikes without so much as a peep about helmets?
8. Sticking with the city being disingenuous about public safety, you would think that with the horsepower and stability of car, it could climb up a 3 or 4" curb and give pedestrians a fighting chance on by making (icy) sidewalks level. Seriously. I mean it.
9. I would be completely OK if other world leaders pointed at Justin and broke out in laughter whenever he opens his mouth. Heck, they can say his clown socks were too much to ignore.
10. Rather than allow banks and other service companies with lots of inbound call traffic answer the phone with a disingenuous 'we're getting more calls than we expected', mandate they to tell the truth - that they don't want you to call them and leaving people on hold discourages calls. These companies should be required to be transparent about customer service. The homepage of their website (desktop and mobile) should display current wait time for callers and what it normally is for that hour of the day.
11. Why does Loblaws have so many store brands? They are a bit like GM in that the brand name of the store is pretty much meaningless. My favourite is the ValuMart. I guess it's suppose to indicate that they provide good value even though they have the same products as No Frills but with much higher prices. Cripes, even the plastic bags at No Frills are much better than ValuMart and they're the same price.
12. Large companies love to pedal their brand with incredibly useful things like sponsoring golf tournaments for millionaires and putting their name on arenas. I'm going on a limb here, but I'm going to guess it's us the consumer that pays for this ego-brand-building. Why doesn't the city council make it a requirement to sponsor useful thinks like parks and playgrounds for kids? This isn't such a big deal in towns like Oakville, where the streets are paved with gold. But here in Toronto where stairs going down into ravines are broken and have only one handrail, wouldn't it be a brand builder to have the TD staircase down into Taylor Creek?
13. I hope I don't get arrested for this, but wouldn't it be smart to train the parking police to play on their phones while making sure traffic and pedestrians were safe at construction sites? This would be less expensive and we could hire more police to do - police work!
14. Has anyone seen a minority riding on a TFD truck? What is the fire department saying here? Are minorities afraid of heights? Firefighters (at least those in Toronto) look anything but inclusionary. What's up?
15. Quebec seems ready to ramp up the language police (thanks a lot Mike Rousseau) - despite the reality that more than 20% having a primary language that's other than French. Having language police feels like something they do in China. Back here in Ontario, each of the following languages are more widely spoken than French - Chinese, Italian, Punjabi, and Spanish - and the province 'force-fits' French into everything they publish. When Kathleen Wynn beat her chest and claimed that the money-losing 407 East would not fall into private industry's hands, she had to pay the operators of privately owned portion thousand of dollars to produce a handful of customer billing statements in.... French! I think it's time for Ontario to revisit their approach to French. Maybe don't take Quebec's lead, but something sensible would be nice.
16. Back to Toronto schools, the TDSB proudly plasters signs on their property saying DOGS aren't allowed. You can bring your cat, horse, cow on the property but no dogs. They make no distinction between the half of the year when the school is closed (weekends, holidays, summer) - I guess they don't like dogs. If a teacher falls out of bed early and your dog is there an hour before any kids arrive, the teacher will act like a dog and chase you off 'their' property. They point to the sign and tell me in a teacher-like voice, 'no dogs allowed, ever'. I think teacher's should be required to work weekends, summers and after school hours to patrol their property. Either that or lighten up and have a sign that says no animals during school hours and if you don't pick up your poop, you get fined.
17. As a taxpayer, I would like to know more who pays for what. Take the TTC for instance. On that back of busses each level of government has their logo to proudly show they fund the TTC. Since they all get my money, I don't really care how it ends up being split between them. I would like to know how much is funded by government vs. users of the service. That would be interesting and informative.
18. This is my last one. I could go on, but I have to take the dog for a walk now. I'm tired of politicians and their unwillingness to do things differently when it makes sense. Take the Senate for example - we don't elect Senators and they sure as heck cost more than any value they contribute. If this was America (note that I'm glad it's not), there would be an insurrection at the Senate. Sometimes I wish we were more like the Americans. Sometimes.